Let's also assume that like me, you have adopted a number of "calming down" techniques (time out from the other person, breathing, going for a walk, standing on your head, eating chocolate, ok - I digress) before trying to talk with the person about what happened (or simply re-engaging with them at all).
Perhaps you have then discovered, like I have, that these calming down strategies work fairly well while the two of you are apart, but don't do much good when you actually try to communicate about the issue (whether in person or over email).
This is because most calming down techniques do not fundamentally change the thoughts and judgments you are holding about the person or their behavior.
Thus, when you communicate with the person, those negative thoughts and judgments ("She's careless and incompetent" "That was so inconsiderate and disrespectful!") get woven into your tone and word choices. And - sensing these barbed messages within your communication, the person will have a much harder time focusing on what you are saying - or hearing you the way you'd like to be heard.
So, what is one to do? Marshall Rosenberg, the father of Non Violent Communication (NVC), urges us to engage in "empathy before education."
The most effective and efficient way I know of doing this on my own is to fill out an Empathy Worksheet.
There are different variations of these in the NVC community; this one is a slight modification of one used by Newt Bailey, effective communication coach and conflict resolution trainer, facilitator and mediator - as well as one of the stars of the Conflict Hotline, a show on conflict resolution hosted by BayNVC's non violence guru Miki Kashtan.
What I love about my Empathy Worksheet:
- Quick (10 - 20 min depending on how deep you want to go)
- Easy (my 8 yr. old does it on his own)
- Empowering (moves me past self-pity, anger, judgments and criticisms to what really matters to me)
- Effective (allows me to communicate in a way that greatly increases my chances of being heard and to hear the other person)
So, what's involved?
1: Stop, Drop and Write!
STOP what you are doing and take 10 minutes to fill out the Worksheet!
BEFORE YOU PRESS SEND. Don't send that angry email you just composed! Go do the Worksheet and then edit the email before sending it out.
BEFORE YOU ESCALATE. If you are in an escalating argument, STOP. Tell the other person this is not going anywhere productive and that you'd like to take some time out and continue in 30 minutes. Go do the Worksheet and then reboot the conversation using what you discovered.
BEFORE YOU CONFRONT. If you are upset and rehearsing all the things you are going to say when you see that person, find 10 minutes to do the Worksheet first.
BEFORE YOU LOSE ANY MORE SLEEP. If you are ruminating about something, do the Worksheet for some relief and some movement forward.
Preparing the Worksheet: You can create the Worksheet on any piece of paper. Divide the paper in thirds by letterfolding it. Label the top third "Judgments", the middle third "Feelings" and the bottom third "Needs".
2: Choose one specific incident.
Choose a specific incident and describe it as objectively as you can at the very BOTTOM of the page (the top will get thrown out later).
Even if you are angry or disappointed by a series of incidents, it will help if you choose one (either the most recent or the one that is MOST symbolic of the whole thing).
Let's say the issue is your partner repeatedly not following through with agreements you have made. The most recent incident might be that they did not mail a package they said they would mail for you.
EXAMPLE OF OBJECTIVE DESCRIPTION OF THIS INCIDENT:
Got home and saw the package on the table.
A less objective description would be: "The package was still on the table..." or "You forgot to mail the package" or "Once again, something I care about was not..." etc.
3: Write down your Judgments.
This is the part where you get to vent!
In the TOP THIRD of your Worksheet, write down all the nasty, brutal, attacking, judgmental, self-pitying, analytical, diagnostic, despairing, evaluative judgments and thoughts you are having about the person or incident. Don't hold back (they will NOT get to see this part of the sheet).
EXAMPLE:
So inconsiderate! Oh my god can't take it anymore! Self centered, uncaring, no feelings. Really in trouble this time. Why why why??? Can't trust anymore. Unbearable! etc.
4: Write down your Feelings.
In the MIDDLE THIRD of your Worksheet, write down all the feelings you have about the person or incident. If your feeling vocabulary is a bit under-nourished, use a list such as this one: http://cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory.
EXAMPLE:
Angry. Furious. Frustrated. Surprised. Actually - NOT surprised! Exasperated. Fuming. Despair. Hopeless. Super sad. etc.
