*I may have been 17?
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All my life I have been told to love the Lord, Jesus Christ.
I attended church every Thursday in a Lutheran school and once again on Sunday in a Methodist church.
Every time I went, I was told to love the Lord.
I finally asked, “Why do I have to love the Lord”? The answer was short and sweet: You love the Lord because he gave you life and all that you can see.
Oh, now I see…that makes no sense.
It took me years before it dawned on me, I didn’t ask for this life, why am I forced to be thankful? Then another revelation: I have to be thankful or burn in hell….that’s a bit severe for not jumping for joy for an unwanted gift.
Let me move on because this is going to be really short.
In order for me to show this love, this very conditional love, wouldn’t someone have to show me the way so I could learn?
I’ve never seen appropriate, unconditional or, conditional love as I have read the definition. I’ve seen many lies plus fake and play love but it all seemed phony to me at the end of the day.
Where is this “love” model I’m supposed to emulate? Is it within the person that scared me with eternal fire and damnation; was it to be learned from that drunken abusive scum called a “father”; perhaps it was to be found in my jealous hearted hateful half sister; maybe it was to be found in Mr. Helming, my principle from KG to 8th grade, who whooped me harder than the rest because I refused to shed a tear?
Everyone seems to be able to tell me where I should be but no one knows the path in which to get me to this elusive spot.
So here I’ll sit with open arms waiting for the first reasonable answer as to how to have a feeling that was never there in the first place. Since I learned of the Lord, I have had fear ever since.
Fear my friends just so happens to be a very motivational tool. I am fully aware that a greater percentage of my Godly deeds are out of fear, not love.
I am not that unique and if people would stop lying, I’ll bet I’m not the only one that has these questions about love and loving God.
Nicholas Johnson
