I Don’t Care About The Things Others Do

Brian Brewington
Reader, Writer, Runner. Philadelphia, PA. Proud and regular contributor to: Thrive Global, The Startup, Hacker Noon, The Ascent and www.splicetoday.com

None of what I’m about to say is bragging. I’m not particularly proud of any of it. It doesn’t make me better than any of you, in fact much of it makes my life more difficult. More difficult now perhaps, however I suspect it’ll lead to a more rewarding life in the long run. That is the bet I’ve made anyhow.

I’m not motivated by money, nor have I ever really been. Obviously, I’m well aware it’s a necessity. Some days, painfully aware of it in fact.

I enjoy nice things but the reality is I adapted when I had less than nothing. I’ve always found a way to make the best of the worst situations and turn a literal nothing into a very tangible something.

I look at other’s relationships and think to myself “I couldn’t possibly endure that”. I’m not some grinch who hates kids, in fact I love kids. I find them hilariously fascinating, their excitement and curiosity for life never fails to bring a smile to my face. Doesn’t mean I want to raise one though.

Which probably disqualifies me from a long term relationship with many women in my age group. Again, I wish I cared. I wish I wanted it more.

Does that mean I never question my line of thinking? That I never ponder the life I could be living or the wonderful things and experiences in life I may be missing out on? Of course not. I have doubts every day. Those doubts just aren’t strong enough to pull me in the opposite direction.

Is some of it fear based? I’m certain some of it is. I just think more of it is based in a desire for different things and a lack of desire for much of the norm.

I fear mediocrity, the mundane and the average. I have no desire to shoot low. I believe a minimum wage job that doesn’t allow me to provide actual value to people, requires no actual skill and provides no potential for growth, with a wife and kid to come home to who I’m not doing enough for — would lead to me hanging myself in a broom closet at work or throwing myself in front of a bus. If not for personal happiness reasons, then to provide my loved ones with the life insurance money I knew they deserved, that I wasn’t otherwise providing.

My fear is to have a kid and not be able to give them the absolute best life I’m capable of providing them with. Short of being able to, I don’t want a kid.

When I hear someone detail their pursuit of money, all I hear is their journey of unhappiness. Either the unhappiness that comes from feeling like their not making enough of it or the misery that comes from the disappointment you’re hit with once you attain it and realize it truly doesn’t equal happiness.

If your only goal or end game is money, your destination is unhappiness — you just don’t know it yet.

So if it’s not all of the social norms and standards I’m after, then what is it I want? What is it I’m after and why do I get up everyday? Fair question.

It’s taken me an entire lifetime to even scratch the surface of beginning to figure out a genuine answer to that question. This is my answer, as it stands today. It could change tomorrow.

I want my time. I want to do work I love with said time. I don’t want a boss. I don’t want to be a boss. I don’t want a company. I don’t want clients.

I want to write. I want to write about the things that inspire and motivate me as well as what haunts me. About what gets me out of bed and what keeps me up at night. I want to take time perfecting my craft and then use it to custom build the life I DO want for myself. I want to be a vision of hope to others.

I don’t want anyone else in the world to be able to dictate what it is I do with my time. I want to have the resources to one day be in a position to help someone half my age whose in the position I’m in now. I’m not out to change the world, just to better a small slice of it for myself and others, on my terms.

And I believe I can achieve all of that by doing this everyday, call me crazy.

***It's good to know I'm not alone.