My Deepest Inversion of Spirit - 2012'
I was talking / chatting on a social site and
unknowingly, stumbled over my deepest inversion of Spirit.
I met an older White woman about a year or so
ago. We chatted and emailed, so on and so forth.
She began trying to recruit me into
Christianity. That rubbed me wrong right from the beginning yet we continued to
talk.
Days came and days went. At some point in
time; she straight out told me that I was wrong. I had shared a trusted belief
that if a person were only to be allowed to eat rabbit; that person would
starve to death due to the theory that a rabbit requires more calories for
digestion than it provides in sustenance.
Mind you, I never said this to be a fact. I
said it based on, “How to Survive Anything, Anywhere” by Chris McNab.
I should have cut off communication at that
point yet “Nick” often desires to, “play the game”. (First portion of my
inversion of spirit).
I don't believe in facts; anything “factual”
today can and may be destroyed when held over the test of time. Infinite does
not mean indefinite.
(1)
Minute conflicts of opinion took place
randomly and I interpreted this as idle crap not to be concerned about;
I was still in denial or unaware of true self.
I found out that I AM truly undesirable to
myself when it comes to, “letting go” and True Forgiveness.
I have doubt in ever having witnessed a model
of True Forgiveness to contemplate such thoughts for myself. My past
environments certainly provided no nurturing for what, “then” seemed lofty
thought.
I actually have been lying to myself under the
false pretense of forgiving.
Wait, it goes to a much greater depth.
This potion of my manifested spirit will bait
others into a false sense of being forgiven only to create the vortex of
security for that individual.
This portion of me is so devious, so
treacherous as to wait any length of time to exact the psychological blow that
I deem appropriate.
Remember when I wrote about “feeling” off
balance?
I find myself questioning whether or not if I
have ever forgiven anyone for anything.
(2)
I'm confessing that I have waited beyond the
length of other's lives and still feel ill will towards some for utterances,
vibrations through air.
I admit that I AM a psychological sinner by
these means yet this is not to convey that this concludes my list. I dare trust
that I'm a psychological sociopath / terrorist if such a label exists.
I'm disgusted with “self” for the moment and
have but one healthy choice. My quest for Peace by Divine Guidance leaves no
option.
I must aggressively attack and remove this
character defect now with no substitutions in ambiguity.
Nick laid in wait on so many people over the
years and psychologically destroyed so many moments. Though a person may have
made the first remark, that has no bearing on my properly guided responses if “proper”
they were to be.
Why would I harbor such depths of vindictiveness
and at what costs?
Something must be eating at my core in order
for this manifestation to carry such magnitude and volatility.
I gather it's origin created within the
bullying from my past as well as my childhood memories of my family as such. I
was verbally assassinated as a child along with other forms of abuse.
My past provides no shield for defense of
action or the luxury of excuse!
(3)
I trust myself to create the Wholeness needed.
My conscious / subconscious thoughts and
actions have been abhorrently cruel, vindictive, inhumane deeds of emotional
grand larceny...for lack of any better terms. (I don't believe in the devil;
this was me).
My only saving grace and glimmer of light is that
I have identified the thief of my Wholeness that allows me to be Whole with
you.
No, I don't do the, “work on it” thingy. All
my thoughts and actions are in the “Now” and so too the resolution is to be
found and implemented in the “Now”.
This simply can not continue on any level of
my being.
Some may believe I'm appealing to some fear of
hell. That's not it, there is no hell and there is no evil, simply lack of
Love.
The opposite of Love is no more than a void or
an abyss.
I'm
appealing to the Divine Wholeness created by Divine Guidance in which lack of
either creates the imbalanced self unable to extend Peace so therefore unable
to receive Peace.
Thinking thinking, I must hold in reserve ill
will towards my mother, ex-wives, friends and family long gone.
I fully trust that I can not make any type of
apology that would suffice the thoughts and behavior. However, I can change the
thoughts and fill the void of the originating lack of Love.
(4)
Fully apologizing to all individuals by adding
positivity and “Better Will” to the Universal Equation in the belief that these
actions will be felt by the latter victims is taking place with absolute
urgency at greater depth with each stroke of the key.
If the opportunity ever arises, I will
apologize in that moment. I further trust that adding any form of communication
at this time would be similar to, “fuel upon the fire”.
That was the easy part.
The more difficult portion of this is in the
creating of the solution for the very “Now” second and all the next seconds
that follow.
This is where it really begins.
I now must seek a stronger means by which I
deal with verbal attacks upon myself. The Tiger is asking for a reprieve within
sympathy where none exists.
It seems no words have ever harmed me as much
as I've harmed others with them. Perhaps early words did nurture this portion
of being as rightly defined by the symbol of this writing.
Is this the case and does it matter when it
comes to completing, “I AM's” tasks at hand? It does not.
The I AM dictates that I must endure whatever
that it may take to never psychologically sin “Now”.
(5)
Fully interpreting that there is no tomorrow
for those of the I AM.
I take this
moment to say, “I was of the void” and apologize for any harm that I may have
caused voluntarily or involuntarily. The level of consciousness in which I
created this void is of no significance.
I fully trust that the readers of this writing
will feel the incidentals of my essentials as put forth in purity of thought,
speech and deed.
Had this woman earned her reward of being
emotionally raped with her innuendo of racist White supremest remarks? I do not
know. I do feel I was not chosen for such retaliation and that this has nothing
to do with my realm of “Forgiveness”.
I did not alter in the substance of my “Now”
action.
I give fair warning that I am new at this
creation of deeper thoughts and actions of Forgiveness. To play with me is to
play at your own risk. My old self may emerge and HE WILL win within the loss
suffered by all.
My old self objectifies everything and
everyone down to a fraction within his equation. You were no more than a
variable within a constant.
Conclusion:
And God
spoke – Boy...you did a bit of better work on yourself; how do you feel?
(6)
Nick– I'm
not lost yet that punk in me has his fears about my success in turning the
page.
God– Did I
give you fear or the “I AM” which you possess?
Nick– You
are the I AM to which I AM you, to a lesser degree, that should have no fear.
God–
Hahahaha, PUNK, was fear on the list of things I told you to bring to my boot
camp?
Nick– I got
you, HAH, you're speaking of my “void” of Love in self, not me. Are you feeling
tricky this morning Old Man?
God– No my
Son, I badger in the greatest form of Admiration and Love, “Nikko”, when I
created your spirit in the conditions as such; I made you “One of Those Kind”.
Pssst, if fear wasn't on my list of items to
have, it has no reason of being in any form. Fear is also of the abyss.
But before
you smile, you have a list of charges.....whew...you've been a busy boy.
Lets see, 456,000,000 Inverted Spirit A
Felonies; 278,943,500,31.041 Misdemeanors; shit, I'll just skip the citations,
I have less planets than your number in that sense.
Nick– What,
do you think me ignorant enough to speak?
(7)
God–
Hahahaha, that's the best move yet, “Slick One”.
Here's what
we're going to do; I'm going to reduce all these charges to a symbol yet to be
created.
I'm going to adjudicate sentencing and put you
on Divine Probation for life!
Every moment of your being, you will seek to
define, implement and maintain a Greater sense of Forgiveness as set forth by
Divine Guidance.
Look at your charges my Son and see clearly
that I have shown you “By” best example.
Nick–
Yeeaaahhh, I was going to ask, “What's next” and thought better of it.
Dude, what man in his right mind would want to
blow himself up within the belief of getting 44, 77, virgins as a prize.? Are
they nuts? I was a pimp and couldn't handle 3 complaining, bleeding pissing and
moaning....
God– STOP, I
KNEW IT! You couldn't make it through one damn prayer without another
charge.......HAHAHAH
GO TO SLEEP and think about your
responsibility of Forgiveness and *&%$$%, what others say about you is true
to a degree. You are Shot Out yet your vigilant efforts in seeking the Light
does provide me with a many a yuk yuk.
Baali grows
towards the Ishi.
Niko J
*This is a very old writing and my outlook on life has changed, Great reference.
