Psychology of Online Virtual Relationships:
Or, My Best Friend's Name is pal@company.com
Instructions for this Report
The first section discusses the depth of emotions that can be expressed. Generally, there is a perception that deep, emotional relationships cannot exist via an online interaction and that online relationships are restricted by ideas that can be typed, but not expressed otherwise.
The author feels that this notion of a lack of emotional depth in an online relationships is not necessarily true for everyone. He says that with some of his own online relationships, he feels the kind of warmth and caring that he would normally expect from a "real" relationship.
I agree that sometimes, the most fulfilling friendships aren't the face to face kind. I had an unusual experience where I got to see what one of my friendships is like in the online world. I've got a friend, Kevin, whom I knew from high school. We weren't really tight as friends, but we got along really well. Lately, I started emailing him, telling him my guy problems. It's amazing how our friendship has deepened in the last few weeks. We really opened up to each other- he's now telling me his own personal problems. When we actually do see each other, it's like we were always close friends. It all would not have been possible had I not started this online aspect of our friendship.
He also addresses the issue of adopting a false online identity and why he believes they are healthy. Within us, he says are a variety of aspects that ordinarily are not expressed. By adopting online identities that contradict with our true gender, age, and so on, we are just letting those other aspects out.
In addition, there also seems to be a system online which gives more favor to females. Females are more likely to be helped out, or felt sorry for, or taken in and protected than are males. This may only serve to encourage men to adopt female online identities.
Later in the piece, the topic shifts to the importance of proximity in relationships. The author felt that physical closeness to the person they were relating to was very important. It seems that being there, where the person can be seen, touched, and observed, conveys that the person is more genuine, sincere, and adds a physical dimension to one otherwise restricted to words on a screen.
I'm okay with the idea of inventing a false identity for online relationships. What you see isn't always what you get, and in an arena where it is so easy to create an identity, the Internet will be filled with people pretending to be someone else. It's a good way of putting yourself at a distance from the relationship, which gives a person a sense of control over the relationship.
The next topic in this issue is of expectations. In order to totally understand a situation, you must first have an idea of what is expected of the situation. These expectations need to be realistic and based on something real.
The example of the two women who would go to bars and tell made-up stories about themselves is a good example. Other people who would hear their stories had the expectation that the women were telling them the truth. This is a realistic expectation, as people don't usually believe that they are being misled in these situations.
This discussion of expectations is extended into the topic of chat rooms which use avatars. Initially, the author felt that his online persona was a fictional character, someone who ceased to exist when the computer was turned off. He quickly realized, though, that others did not always share his approach to the online experience when another person fell in love with his online persona. The other person expected that his personality and approach to the online environment was what he presented and similar to her own, that he took it as seriously as she did.
I would never expect that what I'm being told is the truth. Maybe some people are hurt by the idea that someone who doesn't know them would lie to them, but not me. I might lie about a few things myself. Of course, when an online relationship progresses to the point that you find yourself falling in love, I think the parties involved should take a step back and think, "What do I really know about this person?" If the answer is nothing, then I think that the relationship should not enter reality and should stay virtual.
This leads to the problem of what really lies behind online identities. We all have heard many stories where a man will leave his wife and family for an online love, only to discover that she is really very different from what she led him to believe. Tied up in these scenarios are issues of honesty, acceptance, deceit, and feelings of betrayal. Often, reality disappoints fantasy.
The following section is statistics about the growth and usage of the Internet. What they add up to is that the number of people getting online is increasing every year and the growth is expected to rise. Also, as time goes by, "nettiquette" will be widespread, and phenomena such as flaming and "inappropriate" romance s will decrease.
lhooker@sirius.com wrote that people with different expectations of online relationships will behave in ways that show their differing expectations. For example, those who prefer to keep virtual relationships in the fantasy world may just frequent MOOs or MUDs, while those who want to meet someone in real life may visit sites specifically designed to get people together.
Still, he wrote, common sense is important when it comes to online relationships. It's important that people remember that people they meet online aren't always sincere and genuine. An indicator to the kind of person you're dealing with could be where you met them. If the environment makes you suspicious or wary of them, it's a good idea to pay attention to that sense of caution. Of course, not everyone has bad intentions, but personal safety should be a prime consideration when forging online relationships.
He also believes that as the younger generations gets online, they will become more savvy about online relationships and they won't have the kinds of problems that we are experiencing. He believes that they will be able to discern the good people (with good intentions) from those who have bad intentions.
I agree. The next generation will learn a lot from our mistakes, or at least I hope they will.
Among the G7 responses, it seemed that it was agreed that while virtual relationships are acceptable and even cool, they should not progress past a certain point. Most prefer to keep online relationships online, for a variety of reasons. Perhaps the whole idea is just more entertaining if it is kept online, or maybe because the uncertainty of what the person is really like. Most were also reluctant to invest too much emotional commitment to virtual relationships.
The next topic is Internet dependency. People have gotten so involved in their online life that it causes them a great deal of distress when an online relationship experiences a falling out, or if the online acquaintance does not participate in online activities anymore. Many of these people experience along with their online dependency, such as bipolar disorder, and OCD.
The last sections detailed how personal some online relationships became for some users. One guy had a friend who met his girlfriend online. Another experienced a great spiritual connection with a group of people online. Others wrestled with the Asian ideas of shame and embarrassment, and why their fears of looking foolish prevented them from being themselves online.
Chat Rooms
In my research, I found and was able to participate in only chat rooms. This is what I found.
People log in to different chat rooms, each different in its topic of discussion. Some talk about sports, others, music, and so on. They give themselves a name. I used my middle name. As soon as I joined in the General chat room, I was bombarded with questions as to what I looked like, my age, where I was from, what kinds of things I liked, etc. If my likes corresponded with someone else's, we talked about those things.
People in that chat room I visited were very friendly. I felt some of their questions were a bit nosy, and there were some obnoxious people who made suggestive remarks, but aside from that, there were no negatives about this experience. I think people who go to chat rooms just like talking to and meeting new people. Maybe they're expanding their horizons by meeting people online, or maybe they just prefer to meet people in this kind of environment, rather than real life. And when they find someone who has things in common with them, it just gives them incentive to come back again. I started to feel as though this approach to meeting people had a few good benefits. In what other situation can you gracefully exit quickly if you don't like the people there? I also liked that you could invent yourself to others, and that you weren't really judged based on a physical appearance.
Conclusion
I see the future of human online relationships as a microcosm of society today. Online, people with similar interests and philosophies gather, and by discussion, or other forms of communication, they basically further their interests and philosophies. They may extend that to keep in touch regularly, or decide to meet face to face. In enough people are involved, they may even form virtual communities. But on the downside, there are still the same weirdos and nutties that haunt the offline world. I see the people online as a slice of the general population, diverse as ever. It's this diversity that makes the Internet so interesting.
I do think, though, that some people had expectations that the Internet could be a place where the negatives of society (racism, porn, etc.) could be barred from entering. To me, this is an unrealistic expectation. With access to the web as free as it is, and as easy as it is to put up web pages of one's own, there is no way we can totally filter the contents of the web. It would only be possible if there were some form of control over the web. But to many people, this smells of censorship, and it makes the web less appealing. The web could be sanitized, but at the expense of people's interest in it. It is not a worthwhile trade.
For future generations, I advise that expectations of what you find on the web be kept in check. Don't enter virtual relationships unless you're sure its what you want. This advice applies to platonic as well as romantic relationships. Don't be completely naive to the online world. But on the flip side, it's a good idea to forge online relationships with optimism. To make this a little simpler, I guess you can say that virtual relationships should be handled the way you would a real world relationship: careful of weird people, but still open to the experience.
***Personal comment, "You might just be out to lunch"?
