Porn Is Not the Problem—You Are

*Are you not responsible for your actions?

Porn is not addictive. Sex is not addictive. The ideas of porn and sex addiction are pop psychology concepts that seem to make sense, but have no legitimate scientific basis. For decades, these concepts have flourished in America, but have consistently been rejected by medicine and mental health. The media and American society have accepted that sex and porn are addictive, because it seems intuitively true - we all feel like sometimes, we might do something stupid or self-destructive, when sex is involved. But, this false belief is dangerous, and ultimately not helpful. Because when people buy into the belief that porn is addictive, it changes the argument, and all of a sudden, it seems like it is porn and sex that are the problems. Porn addiction becomes a label, and seems to be an explanation, when in fact, it is just meaningless words and platitudes that distract from the real issue. But sex and porn aren’t the problems. You are.

People do have a strong response to video pornography. Internet porn is very good at triggering male sexuality. The economic forces of the open market have driven modern internet porn to be very, very effective at triggering male sexual buttons, to get them aroused. But women actually have a stronger physiological response to porn than men and based upon this research, women should be more addicted to pornography than men. But the overwhelming majority of the stories we hear about are men. Why is this? Because one part of this issue is an attack on aspects of male sexuality, includingmasturbation and use of pornography, behaviors which society fears and doesn’t understand.

Porn can affect people, but it does not take them over or override their values. If someone watches porn showing something they find distasteful, it has no impact on their behavior or desires. But, if someone watches porn depicting acts that they, the watcher, are neutral about, then it does make it slightly more likely that they express interest in trying that act themselves. Take anal sex for instance. If a porn viewer finds it disgusting, watching anal pornography isn't going to change that. But, if they are neutral on it, then watching anal porn probably will slightly increase the chance that I would be willing to at least give it a try. But, there is the crux of the issue—the people who gravitate towards unhealthy, violent porn, are people who already have a disposition towards violence. So—the problem is not in the porn, but in those people. Regulating porn access really is going to have no impact on these people as they can (and do) find far more violent and graphic images in mainstream Hollywood films like "Saw."

Here’s some often-ignored empirical science about porn – as societies have increased their access to porn, rates of sex crimes, including exhibitionism, rape and child abuse, have gone down. (See the work of Milton Diamond(link is external)) Across the world, and in America, as men have increased ability to view Internet erotica, sex crimes go down. Believe it or not - porn is good for society. This is correlational data, but it is extremely robust, repeated research. But, it is not a message that many people want to hear. Individuals may not like porn, but our society loves it, and benefits from it.

It is getting increasingly difficult to find men in our society, who’ve never viewed pornography. But, if porn were the problem – if porn were addictive, then the problems of porn would be far, far greater than they are. In fact, in recent studies(link is external), fewer than 1% of people report that they have had problems in their life due to difficulties controlling their sexual behaviors, including watching porn. Now - higher numbers, around 10%, report "feeling" that their sexual desires are hard to control, but it is very different to feel something, versus ACTUALLY being out of control.

So – if you are one of that 1%, then what’s going on? If it isn’t the porn, then it must be you. Something about you (more than one thing, usually) has led you to be a person who makes bad decisions about sex. Now in that, you’re not alone – it is in fact a universal truth that people tend to make poorer decisions when they’re turned on, whether it’s choosing not to wear a condom, or choosing to masturbate to porn when you shouldn’t. Call it “sex-goggles,” and recognize that human sexual arousal affects our decision-making.

But, there’s more than that going on for you, if you’ve decided that porn is your problem. Here’s some more real science, that suggests some of the things that are going on for you – you like sex. Wow – earth-shattering, right? But several empirical studies (here's a link(link is external)to one of several) have found that self-identified porn addicts tend to be people with high libido. You are also a person who can get turned on very quickly (when you choose to). Further, you might have grown up in a home (or culture) where sex and masturbation were seen as morally wrong.

Having a high-libido is not a bad thing. In fact, one of the things I often argue is that men (and women) who like sex have changed this world, and made it better. Rock stars, politicians, military leaders and sports stars often tend to be people with high libidos, and a high desire to succeed. Sometimes, they actually want to succeed, just so they can have lots of sex.

But, if you are a man who likes sex, and likes porn, is that something you’ve ever really owned? I’m sad to say that our society has not taught men how to identify and negotiate their sexual desires or needs. We treat sex like a dirty secret. Then, when men get caught, they feed into that dirty secret mentality, and treat sex like it’s the problem.

Those other men, who like sex, watch porn, and don’t get in trouble - How do they do that? One thing is that they understand themselves, and their desires. Sometimes, they sit down with their wives and girlfriends and have a real, open discussion about their use of porn, their interest in it, and what it means, and doesn’t mean, about their attraction to and interest in their partner. That’s a hard, scary discussion (and not one for the first date, please), because it requires a man to stand up for himself and his sexual desires, to be willing to negotiate for those needs, to be willing to compromise, but stay true to himself, while asking for the same in return.

 Another thing about those guys, who don’t get in trouble for watching porn? They are paying attention to themselves, and they are doing the work that is needed to make good decisions. Some men have the internet or cable turned off in their hotel rooms, or install a net nanny on their own computer, so they have less temptation. That’s not because porn is the problem, but because these men are recognizing (when they’re not turned on), that they need to do the prepwork, in advance, to make good decisions. It’s okay to admit that you make poor decisions when sex or porn are involved – you’re not alone in that, and it’s not a sin.

But, the responsibility is on you to identify why and how you make bad decisions, and take steps to make better decisions in the future. When you blame the problems on porn, you’re telling yourself “porn is more powerful than I am.” And I’m here to tell you, that’s not true – you CAN take responsibility for your life, your sex, for your good decisions and your bad ones, and have the life you want. Porn's not the problem - you are. But you know what? You're also the solution.

  You can follow David Ley on Twitter, @DrDavidLey

Before I go swimming...

Arrows in the dark tend to be wasted.

The Science of Productivity [Video]

*After fielding those emails.

In today’s busy world we’ve become a people obsessed with productivity and “work hacks.”

Getting more done in less time lets us to get ahead, and even gives us more availability to do the things we love outside of work. The problem we run into is that it is easy to get motivated, but hard to stay disciplined.

Most of us look at productivity in the wrong way: task management tools are shiny at first and then go unused. Being chained to your desk is as unhealthy as it is unproductive.

At Help Scout we hold the belief that “achievement isn’t about doing everything, it’s about doing the right things.” Productivity is about saying no.

Focus and consistency are the bread-and-butter of being truly productive. Let’s take a look at the science behind how the brain works in the synthesis state, and what changes you can make for the better.

• Why worrying about having “more willpower” is a fool’s game.
• How world class experts stay productive… and what they do differently.
• The reason why better energy management = a more productive you.
• Big pitfalls that lead to busywork and procrastination.

Watch and enjoy.

Once you’ve done that, if you want to know more just scroll down: a dozen studies and far more explanation await.

Abandon All Willpower, Ye Who Enter Here

The first thing to acknowledge in the pursuit of getting more done is the mountain of evidence that suggests willpower alone will not be enough to stay productive.

According to research by Janet Polivy, our brain fears big projects and often fails to commit to long-term goals because we’re susceptible to “abandoning ship” at the first sign of distress.

Think of the last time you went on a failed diet.

You stocked your fridge with the healthiest foods & planned to exercise every day… until the first day you slipped up. After that, it was back to your old ways.

To make matters worse, research by Kenneth McGraw was able to show that the biggest wall to success was often just getting started. Additional research in this area suggests that we’re prone to procrastinating on large projects because we visualize the worst parts; the perfect way to delay getting started.

According to researcher John Bargh, your brain will attempt to simulate real productive work by avoiding big projects and focusing on small, mindless tasks to fill your time.

Big project due tomorrow? Better reorganize my movie collection!

Perhaps worst of all, numerous studies on the concept of ego-depletion have provided some evidence that suggests our willpower is a limited resource that can be used up in it’s entirety. The more you fight it, the more gas you burn. An empty tank leads to empty motivation.

With all of that stacked against us, what can we possibly do to be more productive?

In order to figure this out, one of our best bets is to observe the habits of consistently productive people.

The Habits of Productive People

If I were to ask to describe the practice regiments of world-class musicians, you’d probably envision a shut-in artist who plays all day long and then tucks in their instrument at night.

Amazingly though, research by Anders Ericsson that examined the practice sessions of elite violinists clearly showed that the best performers were not spending more time on the violin, but rather were being more productive during their practice sessions.

Better yet, the most elite players were getting more sleep on average than everyone else.

How is that possible?

Subsequent research by Anders reveals the answer: the best players were engaging in more deliberate practice. You’ve heard the term, but beyond the hype, what is it all about?

It’s nothing more than spending time on the hardest tasks, and being better at managing your energy levels.

Think of it this way: If you were trying to get better at basketball, you’d be much better off practicing specific drills for two hours rather than shooting hoops all day long.

Since deliberate practice requires you to spend more brainpower than busy work, how can you implement it without draining your willpower?

The first answer is an inconvenient truth: the best way to overcome your fear of spending a lot of energy on a big project is to simply get started.

The Zeigarnik Effect is a construct that psychologists have observed in numerous studies on suspense. One such study gave participants brain-buster puzzles to complete, but not enough time to complete them. The surprising thing was, even when participants were asked to stop, over 90% of them went on to complete the puzzles anyway.

According to the lead researcher:

It seems to be human nature to finish what we start and, if it is not finished, we experience dissonance.

It’s the same thing that happens when we become engaged in a story in a book, movie or TV show: we want to see how it ends.

You can use this knowledge to your advantage by just getting started on that next big project; in the most basic sense, don’t focus your motivation on doing Activity X. Instead, focus on making Activity X easier to do.

Start the night before. Is your to-do list already written up? Is your place of work ready for you to get started? Break down barriers of friction before relying on willpower.

On Working Like an Expert

A multitude of research has shown us that discipline is best maintained through habits, not through willpower.

According to Tony Schwartz, CEO of The Energy Project, most people hold their productivity back by not rigidly scheduling work & rest breaks throughout the day.

Since most of us are worried about willpower, we don’t push ourselves to maximum output: instead of “giving our all” for brief sessions, we distribute our effort throughout the day, leading us back to busywork to fill our time.

What should we do instead?

Schwartz often cites a research study conducted by the Federal Aviation Administration that revealed how short breaks between longer working sessions resulted in a 16% improvement in awareness & focus.

Research from Peretz Lavie on ultradian rhythms matches up with these findings: longer productive sessions (of 90 minutes) followed by short breaks (of no more than 15-20 minutes) sync more closely with our natural energy cycles and allow us to maintain a better focus and higher energy level throughout the day.

Both of these studies on energy management match up with the practice schedules of the violinists: the most common regimen for the cream of the crop players was a 90-minute block of intense practice followed by a 15-minute break.

The moral of the story is that it’s hard to be productive while trying to maintain high energy levels through your entire day.

It’s much easier to work intensely when you know that a break is just around the corner, not at the end of the day. Instead of trying to conserve energy for hours, break big projects down into smaller chunks and plan a recovery period right after.

For projects done on your own time, try scheduling blocks of 90-minute work sessions with a planned cool down time of 15 minutes directly afterwards. When you know a break is on the horizon, you won’t try to pace yourself with your work, and will be more inclined to dive into the difficult stuff.

While great for tackling the toughest parts of large projects, this technique doesn’t really address many problems related to discipline, an important part of staying productive for more than just a day or two.

The Art of Staying Disciplined

One segment of the population known for struggling with discipline are those who are addicted to hard drugs.

Given their disposition for being unable to commit to many things, you might be surprised to find that during an experiment testing the ability of drug addicts to write & submit a 5 paragraph essay on time, those who wrote down when & where they would complete the essay were far more likely to turn it in.

These findings have some interesting correlation with those related to discipline in other people: in a study examining the ability of average people to stick with a strict dieting plan, researchers found that those participants who rigorously monitored what they were eating were able to maintain far higher levels of self-control when it came to maintaining their diet.

Last but not least, Dan Ariely and colleagues conducted a study involving college students and found that students who imposed strict deadlines on themselves for assignments performed far better (and more consistently) than those who didn’t.

These findings were especially interesting because Ariely noted that students who gave themselves too generous of a deadline often suffered from the same problems as students who set zero deadlines: when you allot yourself too much time to complete a task, you can end up creating a mountain out of a molehill.

Since we now know that tracking our progress is a key component of productivity, how can we implement this practice into our daily routine?

One method is to use an Accountability Chart to track what work you’ve completed during your 90-minute productive sessions, similar to how the dieters tracked their food consumption.

To easily implement one, simply create two-columns on a piece of paper, Google Docs spreadsheet, or even a whiteboard.

• Column 1 will list the time-span of one of your productivity sessions.
• Column 2 will list what tasks you’ve accomplished in that limited time-span.

Don’t include any columns for your 15-minute breaks, as those times are for your own sake and means to replenish your willpower.

This works well for 2 specific reasons:

Dr. Kentaro Fujita argues that tracking your progress in this way is helpful because you’ll be exposed to the work you’ve actually accomplished, and not the (inaccurate) assumption of work you might construe in your head.

Forcing yourself to write down the fact that you spent 2 hours on YouTube isn’t about shaming, it’s about awareness; you’ll be less likely to do it again.

Progress tracking is also a known strategy for stopping yourself from engaging in robotic behavior (also known as ‘busywork’), a habit thatresearcher John Bargh describes as the #1 enemy of goal striving.

Productivity & Multitasking

With a work schedule, an energy management strategy and a task-tracking system in place, the last challenge we have to face is that of multitasking.

According to a 1999 study, we have a tendency to view multitasking as effective, even when it isn’t

However, researcher Zhen Wang was able to show that on average, multitaskers are actually less likely to be productive, yet they feel more emotionally satisfied with their work—creating an illusion of productivity.

Worse yet, Stanford researcher Clifford Nass examined the work patterns of multitaskers and analyzed their ability to:

1. Filter information
2. Switch between tasks
3. Maintain a high working memory

He found that they were terrible at all three.

According to Nass:

We were absolutely shocked. We all lost our bets. It turns out multitaskers are terrible at every aspect of multitasking.

When working on the computer, the best thing you can do is turn on Airplane Mode; no need for temptation when you can’t even access the web. If you’re unable, help yourself with tools like and StayFocusd to block distracting sites.

The next best strategy is to create an evening planning ritual where you select a few priority tasks to accomplish the next day.

The reason this method works far better than planning your daily tasks in the morning is because research from the Kellogg School has shown that we miscalculate the amount of focus we’ll be able to maintain in the future. We strongly believe that we’ll be able to quickly plan our day the next morning, but when tomorrow rolls we stumble off track.

You can create an evening planning ritual with a simple pen & paper or use an online tool like TeuxDeux each night. List only priority tasks (the “big 5”) for the day.

Instead of listing, “Work on research project,” as a daily goal, try something like, “Finish introduction,” or, “Find additional sources,” as a task you can actually complete.

The Instant Replay

Too long, didn’t read:

Willpower alone is not enough: Your productivity shouldn’t be reliant on your sheer force of will alone. Mental toughness will go a long way, but in order to stay disciplined you’re better off relying on systems.

Give yourself the ability to go “all-in”: Working harder on the stuff that matters is going to drain you mentally & physically. Don’t be afraid of giving yourself multiple breaks throughout the day. It’s better to “chunk” productivity sessions into 90 minute periods (in order to keep yourself sharp and to alleviate the stress of pacing your energy throughout the entire day.

If it’s not worth measuring, it’s not worth doing: Tracking has been proven to be the best way to stay diligent about your progress. Create an accountability chart to list what productive things you’ve gotten done throughout the day. You’ll see how much you’re really accomplishing.

Multitasking is your enemy: Treat it as such. Block out unwanted distractions and as Ron Swanson would say, “Never half-ass two things, whole-ass one thing.” Plan your day the night before so you won’t get consumed with the wonderful distractions of the internet when you start your day.

http://www.sparringmind.com/productivity-science/

Helping Gen Y Declare Their Financial Independence

*Although retired, this is my second retirement plan. I'm investing in myself.

This is where a dog shakes his fleas.

For some members of Gen Y and their parents, it’s time to make a declaration of independence – independence from debt, from parents and from financial stress. They’ve struggled with more debt, lower incomes and a turbulent stock market, and as they move into their 30s, many of them are determined to establish a greater sense of financial security for themselves, despite the roadblocks in their way.

Two studies released this month suggest that Gen Y, generally defined as the group currently in their early 20s through early 30s, continues to struggle with some serious financial challenges, including high debt levels and a lack of saving, but they are committed to improving their financial well-being. The PricewaterhouseCoopers 2014 Employee Financial Wellness Survey, which tracks over 2,100 full-time working adults, found that Gen Y employees tend to struggle with cash management, including carrying balances on their cards. Four in 10 Gen Y employees said they struggle to pay their monthly household expenses.

“A lot of them are carrying a pretty heavy debt burden, especially out of school, and they’re not saving a lot for the future between student loans, credit card debt and trying to meet everyday expenses,” says Kent Allison, a leader of PwC’s employee financial education practice. He notes that the economic rebound has most benefitted those who already have savings, investments and homes, while those who do not yet have assets, like students and young 20-somethings, haven’t seen as much of a boost.

[Read: Recession Scared Students Into Managing Their Money.]

Still, other studies, including a new one from  a financial services company, The Principal Financial Group, often find that Gen Y also cares about financial literacy and is motivated to make smarter financial decisions, perhaps because they saw their parents struggle so much in the recession. The Principal’s survey of 591 employees between ages 18 and 34 last September found that 84 percent say they are “passionate about creating financial security for themselves,” and 80 percent say they expect to be “better off financially” than their parents when they are their parents’ age.

“Gen Y individuals are pretty passionate and optimistic about the future. They realize they need to be more self-reliant and recognize the need to take responsibility for their own future,” says ​Greg Burrows​, senior vice president of retirement and investor services at The Principal Financial Group. The survey also found that 80 percent of respondents had a monthly budget, and two out of three had an emergency fund and had started saving for retirement by age 25 – encouraging signs, Burrows says.

Given that mix of challenging circumstances and optimism, Gen Y and financial experts offered these nuggets of wisdom for 20-somethings trying to becoming financially independent:

1. Take risks and leave your comfort zone.

“I think it’s really up this generation to put themselves out there and tell people what they want to do,” says Lauren Berger​, author of the new book “Welcome to the Real World” and CEO of InternQueen.com. She even recommends reaching out to strangers on LinkedIn – as she has done herself – to pitch ideas or make connections. After she reached out to a Ford executive she didn’t know over LinkedIn, the connection eventually turned into a marketing collaboration between Ford and the Intern Queen.

[See: How to Talk to Millennials About Money.]

2. Review your budget.

Berger says she used to waste money on Forever 21 clothing purchases, multiple coffees each day, happy hour drinks, other people’s weddings and countless other costs before she took a close look at her expenses and started tracking them. She recommends continuing to attend dinners with friends and happy hours, but to do it in a cheaper way, by eating beforehand, or only getting one drink.

3. Accept some help.

“It’s not only helpful, it’s necessary,” says Lauren Stiller Rikleen​, author of “You Raised Us – Now Work With Us,” referring to parental financial assistance. She says parents who can help their young adult children by inviting them to live at home or with cash assistance can help them find their footing and set them up for success. “Young people are trying to find their way in the work world, and it’s very difficult,” she says. (She adds that parents have to make sure they don’t put their own retirement in jeopardy with the help they give their children.)

*If you can't see it, it wasn't meant for you to see.

Oh my, this is not about dating, count yourself out.